Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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