it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
