a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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