Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Sorry about my life...
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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