Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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