He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I love you.
Bad choice
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
