There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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