I cannot find my penis.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
