I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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