my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
