i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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