btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
