Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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