I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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