He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
