i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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