the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
