I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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