Please, let me fuck your mom
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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