I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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