Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
