Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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