Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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