She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
