My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
