You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
