I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
These tits shall not be calmed
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
