Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize