My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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