She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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