he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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