First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
