I accidentally had phone sex last night
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
