Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
