Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
