Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Damn victory sex feels great
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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