Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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