she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
There's even glitter on my cock...
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