So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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