Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
