Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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