my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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