Im at strip club and am horny
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
