Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
