Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize