Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
