Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
