Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
