Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
