My liver just broke up with me...
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize