last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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