have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize