I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
