Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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