I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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