You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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