Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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